On Doug Hinderer’s podcast Marriage Unhindered, you’ll hear about the four stages of marriage with Pete and Carol Tomaselli, who are Retrouvaille coordinators. You can check out the whole conversation here.

 

Spoiler alert: marriage isn’t just rainbows and butterflies (shocker, right?). Here’s the gist of the conversation, and it might hit close to home. Let’s talk about those four stages: 

 

Romance 

 

The first stage is the “honeymoon” phase. You know it: butterflies, hearts, and all the “we’re going to be this happy forever” feelings. Pete and Carol call this the phase where you’re infatuated with your spouse, where even their little quirks are endearing (for now).

 

Disillusionment 

 

And then, bam! The real world hits, and suddenly that “adorable” thing your spouse did is… not so cute anymore. It’s the phase where you realize, “Wait, my spouse is an actual human with flaws!”

 

Misery 

 

Now, this is where things can get dark. If you don’t address the disillusionment, it festers, and boom: you’re miserable. This is where couples start acting more like roommates than lovers. Things like avoiding communication or drifting apart become way too common. The Tomasellis even mentioned a concept called the “Married Singles Lifestyle,” where spouses are busy with everything (work, kids, volunteering) except each other.

 

Awakening 

 

Finally, there’s hope! The awakening is where you both realize that it’s not over, and there’s more to come if you put in the work. It’s like a “lightning bolt” moment for some, but for most, it’s a gradual shift where you stop focusing on what’s wrong and start seeing the good. If you stick it out past the misery stage, the chances of having a joyful marriage skyrocket.

 

Doug shared about a husband who admitted his own mistakes when his wife had an affair. He said he neglected her while being busy with work and other commitments. That realization saved their marriage.

 

So, what’s the takeaway here? Selfishness is the enemy. If you’re both stuck thinking, “You’re supposed to make me happy,” you’re in trouble. Marriage is about both of you giving, compromising, and remembering that God needs to be the center.

 

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